America is a battlefield for Blacks, especially for black men. The moment his mother found out she was pregnant, he was already programmed for failure. Especially, if she was a young mother. Young pregnant mothers are often found to not have received prenatal care and have delivered low-birth weight babies, which results in that baby growing up with learning deficiencies. Young boys with learning deficiencies are often found with their single mothers in poverty and violent dominated neighborhoods. Many of these homes, don’t have a foundation of academic and economic education, intimacy, compassion, love and respect. As a result, young boys fall behind in school, become distant from love and affection from women, and eventually end up on the streets, fostering a life of drugs, alcohol and criminal activity. Many then end up as products of the juvenile and prison systems.
There are little to no resources or programs in these neighborhoods, that are working toward reversing the current conditions of blacks and our environment. When black boys and men are denied the opportunity to learn, earn a living, raise a family and live rewarding lives like the top people in America, nobody cares. Let alone help. Not even black women. America has designed this way of life for us. We’ve become immune to a life of hopelessness, betrayal, & defeat, to the point we can’t recognize ourselves in the mirror. We can’t recognize people who are here to help.
Those of us who have managed to avoid a life of incarceration, who have managed to get an education and to secure a position with a company, are in the most danger.
One slip up at a job, can get us fired. One slip up of yelling at our lady can get us thrown in jail. Without a job, we have no money or transportation, which makes it that much harder to find another place of employment. Being jobless, we still have to eat, need a place to stay and have to manage other responsibilities. With a domestic violence record, although it was verbal it costs us everything. Why?
Verbal domestic violence isn’t stated on your record, it just shows Domestic Violence. When viewed by society, especially schools and employers, they already assume we beat up our girlfriend or wife, which then they deny us acceptance.
No Job, No Money, No Home, No Drivers License, a Criminal Record, and No woman means, Back to The Ghetto We Go, with anyone who will allow us to sleep on their floor.
We then go into survival mode, developing animal like instincts, being the predator and being preyed upon, until we are buried in the ground or escorted to the impound.
This is why many of us black men often lack sex & intimacy in our relationships. We can’t escape the harsh realities of life. There’s no freedom and most of our women don’t understand that.
Oftentimes, when we do attract a woman who we deem worthy of freeing us from this hellhole, she winds up no better than our oppressors. “She gives us right back to the Slave owner whose plantation we have escaped.” She’s unaware of the trapped corners everywhere we go and if she is, she does nothing to help us break the traps. This woman is so blinded by her own future, fame, glamour, problems, emotions, and responsibilities, that she intentionally and unintentionally ignores the personal problems that her black man is experiencing as a result of America’s plan of destroying black men.
We aren’t going to be very affectionate or heavily involved sexually with our woman, if we have something that is bothering us on the lines of finances, racism, violence or the fear of failure, and she’s doing nothing to help. Warm meals, body rubs and saying, “everything is going to be okay,” won’t get the job done. Society has already programmed many of us to keep what’s bothering us inside and not share it do the the possibility of humiliation from society and other black men. Especially from our black woman. This causes us to become distant from love and affection.
“He’s sleeping with another woman” is not always the case. When a black man is working on himself, trying to reach certain milestones or is in a very dark and emotional place, intimacy and sex becomes limited. However, if you fail to ignore his needs he will soon make room for a woman who hasn’t.
Your job as his woman, is to study his behavior and figure out how he can gain your trust, so that he can share with you what’s wrong. Once he shares what’s bothering him, it’s imperative that you do not share it with anyone. because he will never trust you again. Also, once he reveal himself, it’s your job to cater to his needs. Help him heal!
“A woman who doesn’t make his problems hers, is a woman who will soon be without him.” This applies to men as well. This is the reality of most of our people. This is why men are who they are and why women are who they are. No one wants to make the other person’s problems theirs and help them solve them.
I’ve learned on my personal journey that, sometimes we have to step out of our-self and step into the other person and shine the operating room light on them. When we are so caught up in our-self, we lose sight of the other person; their needs, wants and desires. We take a good person and make them bad because we fail to respond to their needs appropriately. A child is unable to explain how he feels, but in most cases as a parent you know what he needs when he is whinny or what he wants when he is giggly. We seem to have lost that connection with adult on adult interactions.
Verbal communication can become a diversion from the real problem, especially if you aren’t paying close attention to and responding to their body language.
You may ask a person who is suffering from a mental illness, “How are you?” and he may respond, “I’m okay,” but in reality he’s not. You walk away and later he commit suicide because you have ignored his cry for help.
We have to go beneath the surface of words, recognize the disconnection which involves observation and behavior analysis and help them correct the problem at hand.
It’s said that, “You can’t make a man happy. He have to already be happy inside.” But, what happens when that spark leaves? Do we drown in sorrow? Why must we face restoring our spark on our own? America already ignores our problems like they do the rest of the black race. Why must our black women ignore them as well?
Sisters, we are a unit and we need each other to overcome obstacles. I can almost guarantee that, if our problems become yours and yours become ours within the relationship and we work toward fixing them, you will have your abundance of love, ecstasy, loyalty, intimacy, and sex. But for now, if your black man is off track, help him restore his balance. He need it and he need you. If you aren’t willing, he’s going to leave and you will blame him for your problems in your next relationship. The cycle will continue.
“Cultivating Minds To Own Thyself” available at www.BarnesandNoble.com
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